Get Out of the Cubicle
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Youngest Boy Ever Tops Everest
A few short days ago history was made. No, I’m not talking about the season finale of ABC’s Lost (though I’m still struggling with that myself). On May 22nd, Jordan Romero became the youngest person ever to summit Mount Everest. A 13-year-old-boy hailing from Big Bear Lake, California, Romero defied the odds (and puberty) to reach the mountain’s summit with his father, stepmother, and team of three experienced Nepalese Sherpas. If that’s not the definition of awesome then I’m going to return the shirt I bought with this kids face on it.
Unfortunately for Jordan, not everyone shares my sentiments. His accomplishment has sparked the heated debate over the dangers of over-achieving at a young age. While some are quick to defend his dream of summitting the highest mountains on all seven continents, others criticize him and his parents for endorsing such a lofty endeavor at such a young age. This of course begs the question, just how young is too young? Well in the great state of Georgia that would be 16, but I imagine the true answer in this case lies somewhere beyond the local legislature.
Using complex algorithms and long division, I have devised a formula to track Jordan’s accomplishments against my own in order to determine if Jordan was in fact “too young” to summit Everest. What I found may astonish and amaze you. Events occur in real time.
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Age 6:
Jordan goes hiking for the first time with his father and stepmother. Whining and blisters ensue. By the end of the trail, Jordan wants to do it again.
I discover sugary cereals for the first time. Sugar rush and mass destruction ensue. I fall asleep with my hand inside an empty bucket of paint.
Age 9:
Team Jordan completes successful summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania (19,340 feet). This is the first of his 7 summits.
I don’t get picked last for kickball at recess. I celebrate by missing the force-out at home twice…in the same inning. I never play kickball again.
Age 10:
Jordan and Co. quadruple their peaks by summiting Elbrus in Russia (18,510 feet), Kosciusko in Australia (7,310 feet), and Aconcagua in Argentina (22,841 feet) for a combined elevation of 44,661 feet!
I get my first girlfriend. In an act of jubilation, I organize a dinner for our parents to meet. She dumps me right before dessert. I spend the next 13 years of my life wondering what went wrong.
Age 11:
Jordan completes his ascent of Mt. Denali in Alaska (20,320 feet), widely considered the coldest mountain in the world.
I break my wrist snowboarding in Vermont and convince myself that I’m brave for attempting the half pipe on my first day on a board.
Age 13:
Jordan does the unthinkable and becomes the youngest person ever to conquer Everest (29,029 feet). At only 13 years old, he demolished the previous record held by Temba Tsheri who reached the summit when he was 16 years old.
I dissect a frog in science class. Halfway through, I vomit on my lab partner because I can’t stand the smell of formaldehyde.
***
After carefully comparing our life trajectories using a 4-dimensional time analysis (and after one too many espresso shots), the results practically jumped off the page at me. Though my accomplishments are vast and impressive in their own right, they are dwarfed by what Jordan Romero has done in the same time-span. To think that a 13-year-old boy has the physical endurance and mental stamina to complete the Seven Summits is completely mind-boggling. So what if over-achieving at such a young age will lead to years of therapy and thousands of dollars in prescription drugs? Aren’t we all destined for synthetic happiness anyway? So Jordan, if you’re reading this, I say ignore the critics and don’t mind the Dos Equis Man. Today, you are the Most Interesting Man in the World.
